Question: I've been divorced for over 10 years.  I am really afraid of the whole marriage idea. I really messed up the first time around and I was raked across the coals in the divorce. Any suggestions on the cultivation of a serious relationship?  I know trust and communication are important, but I seem to fail in any relationship and they always end around the three-month point.

Answer: You discovered a lot the first time around. You’ve taken ten years to learn about yourself; what you want, what you don’t want, how you messed up and what you never want to happen again. You have to trust that. Trust that you respect yourself and know yourself well enough to make better choices and choose a better partner this time. Then you have to jump. Unfortunately there is no guarantee in love. Yes, trust and communication are important, but so are compatibility, respect and really liking the person. Serious relationships take a lot of work. The excitement when you first meet someone (and believe they are perfect) wears off and you are left with a human being who has many imperfections. The little traits you thought were so cute are now driving you nuts (possibly at three months!). That is when the work of relationship begins. There are many good books out there, one I would recommend, which is based on a study of hundreds of couples and outlines what makes a marriage last is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman. This might help you to choose the right candidate to have a successful serious relationship with in the future.

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QUESTION: My husband and I have been separated for almost 2 months. At first we agreed to not see anyone until we were sure of where our marriage was going. At first I wanted it to work out, but now that I have realized that he was the one that caused me to get into a depressive state, that he is not good for me. I am now enjoying life and discovering the real me.  What should I say to him about not seeing anyone and how do I tell him that it is over? I don't think he can change.  Since our child was born I have not mattered in his life, only our son matters. We have been to 5 councilors and he still doesn't do what they suggest.  I still love him but if we did get back together, will it just be the same thing over again? I don't want that anymore. -Debra

ANSWER: Hi Debra.  I think you've answered your own question here!  Trust yourself.  Follow your instincts!  Tell him what you have realized during your separation.  Certainly, one of the goals of a separation is to see what your life might look/feel like if you were to get divorced.  If your emotional well-being has benefited in the absence of your husband, tell him.  Tell him what you've learned about yourself during the separation, that being with him made you depressed, that you do not believe in his ability to change, that you have not felt appreciated since your son was born, etc.  Be firm and honest.  You have the right to move on!

Question: My husband and I were legally divorced in September of this year. I initiated the divorce because I was terminally unhappy; I have been in recovery from alcoholism for one year and four months and have settled into my new life and friends.

My question is this—my husband began dating a woman in August and she is now a constant figure in my child's life.  We share joint custody (one week with me, one week with Dad) of our 8-year old daughter.  I have not been introduced to this woman and there have been times I've been at my husband's new home and her car is there, but she's nowhere to be seen.  Would it be out of place for me to ask my husband to introduce us?  I would like to know a little bit about the woman who is spending time with our daughter.  She really seems to like her, which I think is great. A couple of weeks ago, she came back from a weekend at the lake with her Dad and "reported" that she'd seen his Dad and this new woman naked.  Am I wrong to expect that they not openly have sexual relations while my daughter is with them?  I've accepted the ending of our marriage and the reality of this new relationship my ex-husband now has.  I'm simply concerned that it will have ill-effects on my daughter.

Answer: Yes I think it's totally fine for you to ask if you can meet his new girlfriend.  It may be that you need to initiate this if the opportunity arises.  I agree with you that they should be discrete around your daughter–however getting them to behave in a way consistent with what is right may be harder than you think.  I'd keep encouraging your daughter to talk to you so that you can help her process what happens when she's with her dad.  I'd also help her practice telling her dad that she doesn't want to see them naked that it makes her not want to stay there (or something like that).  If the information comes from you two things might happen, first they might reprimand her for telling you, or they'll think you're trying to control their lives.  In the long run your daughter has to learn to communicate her feelings without you, so this might be a good opportunity.

Question: How do you deal with an ex spouse who abandons his children?

My thoughts on this: I've found that most abandonment issues begin with the father not wanting to pay any child support. So, I want to address the practical first. Do whatever you have to to make him pay child support. If you can't retain an attorney, go through child services. The district attorney in your area can do this for free if you can show that he is not paying his child support. It takes up to a year to get this in place, but once it is, your ex has to pay directly to them and then they pay you. If he's late they deal with it. (If you're receiving welfare they will take this out of your support payments first).

On to the emotional part of this. Your goal has to make sure your kids know that it has nothing to do with them. That is a tall order, since it appears that their father has left them. I find that it is easiest to lay all the blame on yourself. Whenever appropriate, you mention that their father left you not them, and that if he wasn't so angry at you, he would want to see them. Sometimes, I talk about how friends can have arguments and then be so mad that they don't want to be around that person. I ask my kids if that has ever happened to them, and even pre-schoolers can remember an event where someone was mean to them at school so they don't like them anymore. They will learn soon enough in their lives exactly who their father is or is not–but you need to leave that discovery to a time when they're emotionally ready to handle it. What you absolutely DON'T want to do is to start telling them all the bad things about their no good dad. Make all your responses short, unemotional and to the point without any blame or accusation.

I've also found that as soon as the father is caught and forced to pay child support again, they generally start seeing the kids.

Question: Going back to school for a Masters Degree while raising an 11 year-old daughter by myself, running a household and trying to find a suitable husband. I am age 49, so my youth is slipping away as well.

Question: How will I ever have another relationship when I am a teacher, a mother of a 2 1/2 year old boy and have so many interests…including companionship!

My thoughts on this: If you want to have another relationship it needs to be a goal in your life that you'd approach like any other goal. First, you have to put yourself in places where you'll meet men that have similar lifestyles, background or interests. Join a single parents group, local interest group or something else you're interested in. If you don't have time to do that, consider meeting someone online. There is a way on most of the services where your profile is not visible to anyone other than people you pick to see it. The fear I hear from most single mothers is that they don't want their picture and everything about them to be out there for the world to see. At least at yahoo personals I know you can select to have your profile hidden. That means that you'd have to look at the men's profiles and only those you invited to view yours could see it. The benefit of this is that you can weed out men that would have absolutely nothing in common with you. In the privacy of your own home and in your pajamas you can see if there is anyone out there who might be looking for someone like you. Back to setting the goal of having a relationship. You also need to know what you're looking for; what kind of person, how you want to be in that relationship, which old patterns from past relationships you want to get rid of and then be willing to allow dating to be PRACTICE for awhile. The problem most of us face is that we keep choosing the same kind of men, we aren't open minded because our time is so limited, so we pass on men that may be a perfect match for us at this new stage of our lives. So don't see dating as a one time thing where you have to impress the man so he'll ask you out again, instead use the time to practice being the woman you want to be in this new stage of your life.

Question: I am a little worried that my 6 yr old son will be come too attached - too quickly - to anyone I date and introduce him to. He gets to see his father every other weekend(sometime more). He has a good relationship with his grandpa/uncles and a half dozen male cousins(see them all at least once per week) plus the attention he gets from several male role models at our very small church. He still seems "starved" for male bonding, I am afraid he will latch on to anyone I bring around and then get hurt when/if the relationship ends. Is there a deeper issue that I am not seeing (insecurity of some sort)?

My thoughts on this: I don't think it's a sign of insecurity–just a social kid who likes male bonding. Sounds normal to me. It also sounds like you've done a great job surrounding him with great male role models. As far as becoming attached to someone you date or introduce him to, that's another story. It's always been my thought that if at all possible, don't introduce anyone to your children until you are in a serious relationship. Dating is for you, and it can easily be done without involving your kids especially if you have a support system of adults who can babysit for you. It sounds like you have two weekends off a month as well. This makes it even easier–you have a house to yourself twice a month.

That said, I know there are many single moms who can't afford to hire a babysitter and don't have a support system so have no choice and therefore may end up introducing a date to their children. In this situation, I'd act like friends around your kids, tell them that you're just trying to see if that person will make a good friend for you, but make sure to let your kids know that they might just meet this person once or twice.

How do I start dating again? I feel at a loss. My husband left me after 10 years together and  almost 6 year marriage. I am a grad student doing my best to raise a 3 year old and 1 year old on my own. I feel completely clueless when it come to dating. My ex and I had been together since I was 16 and I never really dated and I've never been with anyone else, so I have no idea even how to begin meeting people. Towards the end of the marriage my ex was very degrading and would tell me I let myself go after having kids and he wasn't attracted to me anymore and was interested in me sexually either. While I realize he was doing this to get me to leave him so he wouldn't feel so guilty for having his affair, it's still really hard and I often feel unworthy of dating or finding someone. How do you get over these feelings? Also how do I date with two young kids? I often find myself wondering who would want to date someone with two kids.  I just feel at a loss with everything. Any suggestions?

My thoughts on this: How to get over these feelings? We just did a podcast on SingleMomsTalk.com all about sex esteem. Listen to the episode for other ideas; but here is the place that I'd start. You have to wipe the slate clean of all the patterns, beliefs, insults, betrayal and ideas you have about relationship, your own sensuality and sex. This may take some time, but this is especially important for you since you were 16 when you began the relationship with your ex. Most of your ideas of what relationship and sex should be like are based on the mind of a 16 year old. You're an adult woman now, in graduate school–smart and successful. You're going to need to spend some time getting in touch with your own sensual, sexual self. Let it come alive in your life, embrace it and allow it to grow. You're right, your ex made those comments to hurt you and his plan worked. Now it's time to see those words for what they are–a lie. You hold all the cards. You get to determine who you are and define that for yourself. Wipe that old slate clean and start now–then set a goal–I want to date. Decide that you're going to go for it, then ask yourself how can I date and still be a great mom? What kind of support system or schedule do I need to establish so I can reach my goal of dating? Then remember the men are not dating your children, they're dating you–don't even let the thought of who would want to date you poison your mind. You're spectacular, who wouldn't want to date you?
 

I have been separated for 3 years and my children are 16, 14 and 10. Since the year 2000 I have been, and always will be, the sole financial support of my family. I did the major internal work before leaving my marriage. Consequently, for me divorce was a new lease on life and I have never been happier. In fact, my happiness probably borders on the obnoxious.  A year ago I met a wonderful man whom I consider to be my ideal-he shares my values and my sense of adventure, and has been nothing short of a prince in his treatment of me. So, where is the problem? It's all with me. While I feel I have done a good job of not taking much time from my kids to see my boyfriend, I find it very difficult to have a huge emotional attachment outside of my family life. I feel this relationship has changed the dynamic in my home, that we are somehow not the same tight knit foursome we were. In short, I feel emotionally spread thin. I told my boyfriend I needed to reestablish my emotional presence at home, that it hasn't been the same. He understood and said he will do whatever it takes. Problem is, now I don't seem to have the same joy in being in the relationship. I don't seem to know how to be a "We" with my boyfriend, and maintain the the joyful foursome I have been with my kids.

Right now I am feeling that I am going to end the relationship with my boyfriend, because I feel I can't have both "lives." But I have to pause and wonder: How do other women do it? Must something be lost at home? Am I lacking some internal tool or trait others have?

My thoughts on this: My first question is if you've discussed this with your kids, the emotional absence you feel you might be creating with your relationship? It may be that you are over analysing and they are just fine with in and in fact may even be relieved. As they get older and begin to prefer friends to being with their mom there is this feeling of an emotional absense anyway. It's a shift that happens and it's a hard letting go process. I'd ask yourself it it's the relationship that has changed the dynamic of the family, or simply the process of growth and time. Lets say it is the relationship–is that a bad thing? Any passion you add to your life, even if it were a hobby, class, schooling, new career, would change the dynamic in a family. That's what growth is about. You are teaching your kids something very important by having a good, loving relationship. First, that you have a life too with needs, goals and dreams. Why this is so important is that at some time they are going to be in a relationship with someone else who will not meet every need they have or be willing to alter their life and dreams to keep things exactly the same.  Your kids learn how to set boundaries by watching you set them. They have their friends and relationships and you have yours–it's very healthy. So that's how other women do it, they believe that it's OK to have wants, needs, goals and dreams separate from but just as important as their role as mother.

I really need some practical advice. I have a daughter with a man I was not in a relationship with for very long. However I fell for him totally and he did not feel the same about me. My daughter is now 3 years old and I must say he is brilliant father, looks after her while I work part-time, she stays over two nights at his house, and he contributes money to her upkeep and has done since she was born. The problem is that I was in love with him for so long, and have slept with him even though we were not together, this hurt me more than anything.  I have never slept with an ex in my life, he just seems to make me go weak at the knees.  Anyway I want to move away from him and get on with my own life now, I am over the hurt, feeling good and want to co-parent without getting involved with him again. It seems that every time I try to move on he is back around buying me flowers or giving me extra money. But he does not want a real relationship with me.

My thoughts on this: It must be painful every time you see him. A few things come to my mind, the first is if he's going to let you move away and if that would be the best thing for your daughter. It sounds like she has a wonderful relationship with him.  You may think the problem would disappear if you move away, but I'm not so sure. You would still have to co-parent and you're still going to see him, it may just take him longer to get to your house. You have some really great things with him–your daughter has an involved father and you get someone who loves her to watch her while you work. My advice would be to stay there. This is not something you can run away from. I would have a very honest conversation with him and tell him to stop bringing flowers and to stop flirting with you unless he's interested in a relationship. Be very specific with the list of behaviors you want him to stop. Then, decide exactly what would work for you. If you don't want to see him, you can email or phone each other. You might  get a friend to drop your daughter off at his house, or arrange some pickup where you aren't involved. All you need to do is change the way your interactions are happening. It can be as if you have moved away, you'll have just done it by setting better boundaries.